Cinema Babble: Gimme A Head With Hair

The Flick: Rock of Ages

The Peeps: Tom Cruise, Julianne Hough, Alec Baldwin, Diego Boneta, Russell Brand, Bryan Cranston, Malin Akerman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Paul Giamnatti...and a whole slew of slightly, um, vintage rockers.

The Dealio: In 1987, innocent girl from the country (Hough) meets innocent boy from the country (Boneta) in heavy metal LA Club Bourbon. All sorts of complications ensue, set, naturally, to the soundtrack of all manner of heavy metal standards.

The Grading Session: 3.601 pengies out of 5. Much has been made of both the amazing voice and the zero per cent body fat of leading man Cruise. But I did not find the voice to be so splendiferous, and did not care about either the body fat per centage or his omnipresent bare cheeks.  Yes. I get it: daring, out there, you're in great shape. Now put your pants back on, son. While it was great to hear some of the old familiars again, something about the carry-through just didn't charizz me. Maybe it is just me. Probably, it was just me. Also, I felt that there was little or no chem between our two young lovers. Hough did a fab job with the material given, but Boneta, to me, was as appealing as a younger, dark-haired Jay Mohr...whom I can not abide. Every time the camera was on him, he looked as deer-in-the-headlights as a high school lead about to burst into his side  of 'I Am Sixteen Going On Seventeen' with Hough.

Lessons Learned: First, and most importantly, it was great to be reminded of the inextricable bond between heavy metal and mega hair. Every single major player in the place had at least one indelible hair moment. Literally: can. not. look. away. Next: Sometimes it is not enough to stuff a musical about heavy metal with heavy metal songs. You actually have to pick the pairings rather carefully. Lastly this: heavy metal wasn't the downfall of civilisation as we know it that we thought it would be. Like, also, rock and roll was not the  yadda, yadda, yadda.

Notable Quotables (that weren't in the flick but should have been): 'Hey, kids, I know! Let put on a show!' ...to save our, well, you go ahead and  fill-in-the-blanks.