Sunday, July 25, 2010


The Film: Salt

The Actors: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schrieber, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Andre Braugher, etc (Wouldntcha just hate being among the actors listed here as 'etc'. It's like bands listed on the playbill as 'and others'. Sheesh).

The Dealio: Evelyn -model gorgeous, whip smart and as agile as gutta percha- stands accused as a double agent by a CIA 'walk-in' and must prove her innocence. The jury, once the fit hits the shan- goes from about 50/50 on the subject of her innocence/guilt to an overwhelming verdict of guilt as this actioner-originally intended as a Tom Cruise vehicle- kicks, slashes, jumps and explodes its way to a final showdown.

The Grading Session: 3.91 pengies out of 5. Lack of memorable music is the least of this films debits. Figured out that this entire thaang unspools over about 2-3 days, during which Salt is involved in a slashing, a beating, a series of jumps first, from a bridge onto a moving 18-wheeler, then from the 18-wheeler onto a tanker (who, in his right mind, fires at an oil tanker on a crowded freeway?), then onto an armored truck- which hits its brakes and sends her spinning onto several lanes of a DC area highway, into a bona fide chopper high-jacking, with scant damage to her. I couldn't even manage to cross the street in downtown DC without fearing for life and limb. Evelyn. Honey. Do yourself a favor and take some lessons from the Jason Bourne playbook.

Lessons Learned: Angelina Jolie does not make a creditable male. Even with body makeup. Also- If you can not figure out who the bad guys are in this one before the general populace of this particular cinematic universe, I would be really surprised. Lastly: when Angelina Jolie is on the lam, there is no end to the relentlessly chic 'grabbed-on-the-fly' outfits she comes up with. Would that Jason Bourne or Jack Reacher had access to the same splendid resources during their moments of egress and flight. Still...better than Ator, The Fighting Eagle.

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